I have been on my new medications now for a few days. Things are definitely getting better. I'm not so out of control anymore. I know that I am nowhere near a sold baseline yet. But I am also realizing that I feel much better than only a few days ago.

I am thinking about researching getting a certified service dog. I have some difficulties with mobility and think that a well trained dog could help me. The biggest thing is I think with a dog around my ptsd symptoms might be less severe. I can rely on the dog rather than be hyper vigilant.

Besides when people see you with a dog. They generally leave you alone. I'm not sure the steps to take on this. It would be for more than just the physical help. I've put two dogs down in the last few years. I also had to give my last one up because he wasn't certified. I really think this adds a lot to my depression.

I am having a truly rough time today. My P.T.S.D. is probably flaring up a bit. I have experienced a few rather severe panic attacks today. I am very stressed out right now. I am rather upset that my phone company sold my information. Now my phone number and name are published. I didn't realize you have to tell them you want that private. Since when did people become a commodity? my information was given out.

Why am I so upset? because I was an instrumental element in putting a couple of people in prison. I have had my life threatened. Now my name and phone number are public. This in turn can be tracked down to an address. I'm not feeling to safe at the moment that is for sure.

Last year I was falsely arrested for a crime I wasn't responsible for. My ex got physically violent with me. I fought back for once rather than defending myself as I usually did. They locked me up in jail for three days. Took all my clothes from me. the conditions of the jail was far less than sanitary. body excretions on the walls. I ended up in therapy for this mad experience. I never went before a judge either. but yet my name and address now shows up on a state website.

I am currently working on a plan to move away from here. Where I will move to I am not sure. What I do know is this. There are far to many variables stacked against me in my current location. I'll probably have to stay relatively close to where I am now. Currently I have litigation's with the Veteran's Administration for Service Connected Disability. I have physical injuries. In addition to my injuries, I reacted to smallpox vaccine in boot camp. I immediately came down with severe flu symptoms. I have been sick to this day. Just this year I was diagnosed with p.t.s.d. I didn't even know what it was. but when tested they knew it for sure.

I am in therapy at Veteran's Hospital in madison. I do have to say it is ok as far as hospitals go. I feel like a child sometimes with the way some of them treat me. But for the most part I do get some level of respect. Right now my meds are off baseline. I have been taking half a pill of a medication. so that I can get off it in another week. This was ordered by the doctor by the way. They also ordered another med for me to be on. It took me a week and a half to finally get the medication. I just took it about an hour ago. This med takes time to establish itself. I do have group tomorrow, so I'll be ok. Then on monday I have another group too.

I just needed to express some of the crap thats going on. I'm fairly frustrated and I know I'm not on a baseline yet. Doesn't make the panic attacks or anxiety any less severe. My Jaw is so tight right now that I can barely think. I saw a rheumatologist today for pain management. on a scale of 1 to 10. 10 being most severe. I am at a 7-9 on any given day. The pain never goes away. It has been this way since 1982.

thanks for listening

The image above is a representation of some posters on zaadz. This is what happens when dogma says your way is wrong.

Recently there was a post in a pod it said "calling all mystics." The title intrigued me, so I went to read the various posts. At the time I hadn't picked up on it. This post was more of a clever little advertisement for a group on msn groups. The person posting decided to tell other mystics that they must do something. A dangerous path to take.

Initially I responded to this post. I shared some of the powerful aspects of spirit. The reality of things that go beyond head knowledge. Philosophy, and Theology are nice. Most often those systems stomp out the creative aspects of G-d. This frustrates me a lot. Often people think of G-d in the black and white world that they project. G-d in my opinion is not left or right brained. If we are in the image of spirit. Then I think that spirit definitely has the same duality of the logic and creative. If this didn't happen I doubt the big bang would have ever happened. Spirit would have never said "let there be light."

The thread I speak of at first glance. Represented mystics and their experience. After Someone thanked me for my entry on that thread. I followed the link and read some of the posts. I am amazed how many people expect others to adapt their philosophy. This is just wrong and dangerous in my opinion. Rather than speaking of their own mystical experiences. Some rigid religious doctrine was inserted. Telling people what they need to do or believe. Even the initial poster of this thread gave orders on how to be a mystic.

Mankind is connected better than ever before. News travels in minutes rather than days or months. One can talk to a relative on the other side of the globe while both are in a park. But we still can't come together and meet in the middle. We don't have to all think alike. That is fundamentalism. A draconian form of thinking that many Americans pretend to not be a part of. I speak for Americans because I am not intensely familiar with other nations.

I rarely tell others "you must do this." It is an arrogant position to take. to decide what is best for other peoples paths. Zaadz message is "out to change the world." I fear even this motto. I do understand what Brian and fellow zaadzters meant by this. The problem is it in itself could become a rigid form of thinking. Telling others how to change the world. Rather than inspiring one another how to make their communities better.

This is why I am single today. Every time I try to date someone. They want to control my mind and spirit. Telling me how to think. Rather than just coexisting and appreciating each other. Just two days ago I was in a chat room. A guy sent me a private instant message. I gave him my links for my music. He immediately started telling me how he could make it better. He had no music experience. Did not perform in public. Never took the time to learn an instrument. I doubt he even would have had the stamina to rehearse daily. Yet  he still thought himself an expert on the topic.

A person with no experience, has no right to tell another. That what they are doing is wrong. That those feelings and experiences are rooted in devils and hell. These same people generally follow the teachings of Jesus. Problem is, they haven't taken the time to look at the gospels. To see that he both was mystical, and told others they could be as well. If Jesus were around today teaching such things. Those who claim to be followers, would have hung him instantly. These types destroy others spiritually. Jesus had to make a bunch of holy believers to leave the room. They didn't want to believe that he had the ability to do a miracle. I find that odd. That A Christian, which means to be Christ like. Doesn't believe in the awesome power of Spirit. G-d can do anything with anyone. So Please get off your high horse and let spirit work in others. Leave them alone, you won't have so many arteries blocking up inside your body.

It happens spiritually in conversation. you mention something that happened in spirit. Then that person craps in your ear, telling you it wasn't real. Just because they never experienced it with G-d. This modern dogma is the downfall of man. When will we learn that this is why war exists? Could this be a major reason that we are in the middle east right now? Forcing our ideals on another nation or sovereign country? No matter how you look at it. we have implemented a modern Coup on  them for our own selfish interests. That is the problem with folk who want to make others believe their way. Self centered narcissistic high chair tyrant believers end up attacking others.

I've witnessed some of the more subtle approaches too. Recently I spoke of some of the variables between Israelis and Palestinians. A poster responded with her political beliefs. Rather than what I was speaking about. That the average Israeli and Palestinian wasn't at war with each other. It was based on a friend's opinion after she lived there. I doubt the responder was ever in the middle east. But seemed to be an expert on the topic. I had to remove the comment. It was more a political statement than an thoughtful response.

I've noticed this trend. People posting their opinions on what others are saying. Generally ignoring the questions or expressing how they are. Instead they would rather tell another how wrong they are. Welcome to your war. Go ahead and destroy each other. But please, don't ask how we got to that destruction.

I recall back in the early 90s a discussion on the evening news concerning peace talks. It was between the Palestinians and the Israelis. I was with a Jewish friend of mine who was a U.S. Citizen. She had spent some time living in Israel. The question was simple. Is that possible? Peace in the Middle East.

My friend helped me to understand some things about fundamentalism. She said that when she was there. the average Jew and Palestinian. Hang out at the same coffee shops, and various venues. She said for the most part they live in harmony. She went on to explain that the common people were not at war. It was the extreme factions who had fundamentalist views. that created both the friction and war. The average person in those regions. Would rather that the fighting go away.

I was grateful for her opinion on this. It made a lot of sense too. I get very tired of American's who rely on the media machine. To spew out propaganda that is fairly inaccurate at times. yes there are factions on both sides that are extreme. Fundamentalism of any kind is a dangerous rigid path. Even thinking that every Jew or Palestinian are at war. That is a form of fundamentalism.

This entry is the result of a pod entry. that asked how zaadzters deal with disagreement. Someone got on the tangent that both sides are at war. this is not true. It is extreme factions of those core values that have programed things to happen. I am sad that we still have this form of rigid thinking around. It is the greatest cause of war. Spin Doctors manipulating others to believe things that are not true.